Most of us carry around a quiet mental list of things we feel we should be doing. Not just the obvious things like the strategic planning, the follow-ups, or the long-neglected improvements etc, but also the more behavioural expectations or hopes we he have for ourselves too: being more available, being more disciplined, being more present, being more balanced, being more organised, being more everything.
None of these expectations are unreasonable on their own. But together, they can accumulate into a surprising emotional load; one that slows us down more than we would care to admit.
It's the 'weight of should'.
There's no very obvious sign or symptom (like a giant spot - visible and sore), but it lurks and grows at the back of our minds. And it influences how well we decide, how we hesitate, how we run our days, and how we judge ourselves at the end of them.
The trouble with 'should' is that it comes with some implied (self) criticism. If you feel you should be doing something … then perhaps you feel you are currently failing at it. And even when you’re doing your best, that persistent feeling of should creates mental friction. A feeling of not quite being on top of things. That subtle sense that there is more to do, and less time and energy to do it.
It's easy to assume this is just 'normal pressure'. But it’s something different: it’s the psychological drag of unspoken expectations, and most of them are self-imposed. And the more you carry, the slower you think, act, react, or move.
There’s a particular 'should' pattern I see again and again:
You feel you should be working on Task A. But if you do task A, you won’t be doing Task B, which you also feel you should be doing. And vice verse. And so either you try to do them both at the same time (which doesn't work very well because we can't actually multitask anywhere near as well as we like to think we can), OR, you don’t do A… and you don’t do B.
And then you feel guilty about both.
Nothing is actually stopping you, except the knowledge that whatever you choose, something else won’t get done. So the safest move (psychologically) is to choose… nothing.
It’s a perfectly human response to conflicting demands; the brain avoids choices that carry emotional cost.
Behavioural psychologists call it cognitive dissonance avoidance combined with decision paralysis. But really, it’s just guilt wearing a very practical hat. And it’s remarkably common among people who care about doing things well.
There are three forces working to give 'should' its weight:
1. Comparison. We compare ourselves to an imagined version of who we think we ought to be: perhaps a more productive self, a more confident self, or a more disciplined self. The gap feels personal, even if it’s not real.
2. Identity. 'Should' feels moral. It isn’t just about getting a task done; it’s about what we individually believe ought to be done - and if we can't find the motivation to do it, then every un-met 'should' can feel like a small failure of character.
3. Unfinishable work. Most 'shoulds' live in 'to-do list' categories that have no clear finish line - they are relative or comparative rather than absolute: 'be more strategic', 'stay on top of things', 'communicate better', or 'prioritise more effectively'. You can never truly check these off, there always feels like there is more to do - so the weight of 'should' remains.
Like drift and attention in my previous blogs, the feeling of 'should' is not inherently bad. You can think of it as part of your inner voice trying to direct you or warn you, perhaps a nudge toward something valuable or an internal compass pointing to something that matters. In this case, it can pay to listen.
But it's also important to know when the feeling of 'should' is being less helpful, such as when:
And, most dangerously, heavy 'shoulds' create a form of emotional noise. You can feel busy, pressured, and behind - even when you’re not. And when we have all this going on in our minds, we are more likely to make poorer decisions and choices.
While feeling 'should' is natural, there are a few things you can do to help lighten the load:
Most busy people don’t struggle with ability or intent. They struggle with the weight of competing expectations - many of them invisible or ill defined, and many impossible to satisfy all at once.
And if you can lighten the cognitive load of that even a little, you can rebuild momentum. Not because the work or the issues you are facing have changed, but because the way you frame them did.
Ad Futurum
Graham
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